@dark -- I'm ashamed because I feel this passion about him, yet I am married and love my husband. It feels unfaithful. I am failing my marriage in this obsession. I am on my knees begging for forgiveness.
My priest made me feel ashamed when I told her that I would not be seeing him again, she was so glad to hear I was leaving him. I know she did not mean it like that, but she's like a mom to me so that's how I hear it. Plus I am losing my priest now also, she's retiring.
Therapy is a secret, so it's a secret, special relationship. And mourning a secret relationship is awkward, filled with shame.
I'm embarrassed because I'm perhaps admitting the underlying physical attraction, finally. I denied and suppressed it the whole time in therapy. I once told him I'd do anything to get him to like me. And how stupid to feel this way for someone who I will never see again, who was untouchable, who has no attachment to me. I am an idiot.
I know that part of it is triggered because I came back to work and saw the manager who lives near originalT.

@Tree, @rainbow-- I'll have therapy with someone else, but I cannot tell her that I loved this originalT, the client who tells the T "I love you" is not discussed, not revealed, it's like I'd be embarrassing him to talk about this.
Today I'm going to listen to a guided mediation about grief, to help me with my losses and to distract me.
And it is my inner teenager who is so crazy about him, driving my behaviors and thoughts. I feel like I am 18 again, when I was crazy about my secret older "friend", I desperately wanted to feel loved by him. So, in a way I need to put her to sleep for a while, give my adult working parent self some time to recover from this loss.
I think it will only be fixed by time, little by little, one day at a time.
sorry for the earworm, tree, I'll try to give you another song to think about (My Sharona? 8675309 Jenny?)

But I would cut this pain from my body if it were possible, it is that horrible. It feels like a tumor that must be excised by a surgeon (not by me, tyvm, I do not do SI).