Well, I went to see my t yesterday. She had been gone on vacation for 2 weeks. When she left, we weren't in such a good place. We had talked about her decision not to respond to my email, and i had expressed my hurt feelings which she accepted. But i still couldn't shake the disappointment and hurt. I finally was able to put in a nutshell the crux of my hurt: i think she chose not to reply to my message of gratitude and attachment -- not just because she was busy -- but because she wasn't comfortable with it, and she didn't want to encourage it or make me think she felt similarly. I sent her this bolded part in a message prior to my session and said i want to talk about it when i had my session. I said she needn't reply back.

She replied back, asking if i still had the email, would i send it to her? I didn't. I felt badly that she didn't keep it because she'd told me in the past that she'd kept every email i'd sent her since the beginning of our work together, in case i wanted it later on. So i find it strange she deleted that one.

Anyway, when i got to the session, she said "OK, let's talk." She said she remembered the email, so didn't need a copy. Then she paused awhile before she said, "It's probably true that i'm not always good at expressing emotions." (In my message, i had not only expressed gratitude and attachment, but also asked her how she felt about me and our work.) So her having sidestepped the question by not responding made me feel as though she hadn't wanted to tell me how she felt in return. From what she said yesterday about not being good at expressing feelings, I take that to mean that my gut feeling was right. Her reluctance to reply to my message wasn't just about her being busy. It was about her reluctance to tell me how she felt.

I appreciated her admitting this to me because i just knew there was more to it than that. I don't know how, but i did. What bothers me though is that we've been working a long time on helping me to feel OK about expressing my emotions. If i express how i feel about her, and she ignores or sidesteps what i've said, and doesn't respond, what effect does that have on me? It makes me feel bad for telling her how i feel. It makes me not want to anymore because it didn't go over well. I feel like i'm the only one being vulnerable and saying how i feel, and she's got all the power. It leaves me with the feeling that i said something i should not have said/felt something i should not have felt.

So anyway, during my session she said she would attempt to reply to my email message. She said she remembered what i'd asked. So she told me what she thought of me, that i was kind, loving, and compassionate. She said that i'm hard on myself, sometimes extremely so. She told me that our ups and downs have helped her understand better ways of helping me. And she also said that it feels good to her when i'm able to take in her caring, and if it has a good result, such as making me feel cared about.

However, she did not remark specifically on the bolded part above. She never told me if I was right or wrong in saying that she was uncomfortable about my attachment to her, and if by not responding to it, she was trying to discourage it.

My session is usually at the same day and time every week, but this week it was different. I goofed up and got the time wrong, so got there with only 20 minutes for a session. She offered me to come back today at noon, but i said No. I don't want to take up her lunch hour, it was my fault for forgetting the right time. So now i don't see her again until next week.

I don't know how i feel. i just felt locked up yesterday, like the vulnerable parts of me were pushed far, far away.

I really believe my t is doing her best to help me. But it feels like this situation has set me back. I've had so many relationships in my life where i care about and love the person, but they don't reciprocate. I'm always the one that ends up being more vulnerable and gets hurt, and realizes later that the person never really cared that much about me to start with. I built up the importance of the relationship in my mind, and thought they felt similarly, but i find out they don't. And now, i feel that it's the same with my t. On one hand, i realize she has alot of patients and can't get too emotionally connected with them and lose her objectivity. But on the other hand, i don't want to "put myself out there" and share my deep feelings or get attached to somebody who doesn't feel any true affection for me in return.

In all honesty, i don't expect her to love me, but is it too much to want her to think enough of our relationship to be a little bit touched when i compliment her or tell her what she means to me? Why didn't she want to express herself and tell me how she felt in return?

I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe i just want too much.