So the title of the post doesn't relate to this post, it was just the song I was listening to at the time.

Lately, I've been having severe mood swings, laced with paranoia, and I've been seeing things. I saw my psych last Friday, and she added neurontin, which seems to be helping out some. I think the drop from 300 mg of effexor xr to 150 mg, is having more of an effect on me as of late and the lack of adderall doesn't help. I'm like a giant lump on my couch, and I have no energy/motivation to do anything. Then when I do get the energy, I go overboard and then have to wait a day to do something again. Since the nuerontin is helping out with the fibro pain, I can actually distinguish my other pains. The worst pain I have right now, is flank pain that is being caused by a mass near my kidney. I'm going for a second opinion on Friday, since the 1st doctor didn't know what the mass was.

Anyways, I have a lot of free time on my hands, since I'm no longer working right now, and I can't seem to get anything done. I come here and poke around for a while, but I just don't feel like actually replying to posts. For most of the day, I just sit on the couch watching TV, occasionally going outside to smoke. There is so much to do, I spend most of the day in turmoil about what to do. I've tried breaking everything down into jobs that can be completed in 5 minutes or less, but then I usually get distracted, or I continue to do work after those 5 minutes, get too tired, then have to take a nap. I feel like I'm frakin' 80 years old, which doesn't help since I'm 25. Personally, I just think my body hates me, and always has since I was 15.

With so much time on my hands, my mind is constantly going, thinking about different things, and I can't seem to slow it down. A lot of the thoughts that have been coming up are about past events, that I can't seem to let go. Many of them I've never told anyone about. I've tried reaching out to my husband, but his reply is that I should let go of the past, and be in the present. Well, at the present my life sucks, so I asked him what I should be thinking about instead of the past, and he couldn't answer me. He also made the comment that I seem more paranoid than when we were first dating. Which is true to some extent, but I've always had to deal with my paranoia, but in the past I've had other things I needed to focus on so it wasn't so bad.

Back to the past events, it's like I've been having flashbacks of everything I have done wrong, or was deemed wrong by some authority figure. When I think about these events I question why I was never taken to a psychologist when I was younger. I had a very hard time relating to other kids that were my age all through school. Many times I didn't actually interact with the other children in the class, because the teacher would give me my own assignment to do. In 8th grade I did Independent Study for Math and English, which mainly meant that I got to grade papers b/c I was so far ahead of the class. I received many awards through out my school experience, but I never cared about receiving them. Other people would get so excited, and I would be like "whatever." Even when I graduated in the top 5 of my college class, I didn't really care. I have figured out why I don't get excited, but I still feel neutral about the whole situation.

It's like I constantly strive to do the best and be the best, and even if I am the best at something, my mother always turns it into something negative. In High School, my mother would always tell me that I should have studied more for an exam, if I didn't get 100+ on the exam. Seriously. WTF? She barely made it out of High School. I know that she thought she was pushing me so I could have a better life than she did, but I don't think she ever thought about the emotional consequences of her actions. Myself, always trying to prove myself, trying to get her acceptance. But I never received that validation from her, and I never will. I said it. I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.

Which then leads to my general paranoia of failing in life, not living up to her expectations. I have been working on coming to terms with this for the past 8 months, and sometimes it's easy to do, but then other times I struggle. I've tried to put space between us, so I can enjoy our relationship more, but since April (when the drs. first found the mass), I can't seem to get far enough away.

If you've read this far, your probably as confused as I am right now, since my brain doesn't want to process my thoughts correctly. I just go off on tangents, and it's usually about weird things like aliens, society, religion, economics, etc. I should probably stop watching the news again.