Thanks Rhian for your support. I went off line after my last post so just catching up now. I know I was over reacting but I was seeing a few folks posting on other threads at the time I started mine (11pm my time) and when I came back an hour later and they were still around but no one had responded to me I fell into feeling invisible and like I didn't matter enough to anyone. I was ripe for those feelings to be blown up. I was so scared and disappointed that the stable bubble had burst. I just needed some encouragement. Just a voice to remind me I would be okay. I appreciate you finding me and taking the time to reach out to me.

Thanks Perna. It was a long painful night trying one thing and then another to get a grip but sleep didn't come until the sun was on its way up. I was awake again in a few hours feeling a little calmer but still heavy with sadness. I was doing better by the time my sister arrived. Fortunately the house is being maintained to be presentable for visitors since it is up for sale so I didn't have to do any last minute cleaning scramble.

The visit went well enough. Since she is also a gardener we spent most of the time talking plants. She took my son and me out for lunch and much of the talk was about him so that was easy too. My mood was pretty mixed with some anxiety when we were at the restaurant but nothing unmanageable and since my son was there I was able to zone out long enough to settle my nerves before the food came.

I hope too Byz that it is more situational than anything else. I definately feel better now then I did last night. Her sudden phone call did throw me off. She'd said that she had dinner with my brother, his adult children and my dad and his wife and for some reason I was overcome with feeling left out of the occasion. I would have passed had I been invited and it had happened spontaneously anyways and I live an hour away so no reason for me to feel like I did. So out of the blue for me to have such a reaction. In retrospect I think I was more concerned that I might have been a topic of their discussion. What are we going to do about her? It triggered all my feelings of shame and being a disappointment to my family. I had become this obligation. This problem they needed to deal with. So many feelings just started to eat at me and overwhelm me.

My sister and I did talk some about my condition and I did my best to reassure her that I was coping well enough for her and the others not to worry. I get that they care but sometimes I guess I don't feel I deserve it and maybe I don't really trust it either. I didn't share those thoughts with her. I do appreciate their support.

I am feeling better now and hoping things will turn upward again with some rest and self reassurances. I was near panic there for a while. Just not ready for the pit to invade my life again so soon.

History would suggest that mania needs to wind up before the next crash comes and so far I have been able to manage any manic thoughts and behaviours. So it looks like a momentary situational cycling.

Taking it slow and easy and quite tonight. Grateful for the support and hopeful I will be back to level tomorrow.