"Deserving" has nothing to do with it, you don't deserve it, but that isn't the issue.

God is not torturing you, you're blaming the wrong entity. God only wants to love you and comfort you: rest you under his "wings."

I'm sorry you feel such anger. It's often part of depression and chronic pain. It only hurts the sufferer more though. I learned that personally (even though I learned it in college.)

Time to pick your battles. Quit fighting the ones you can't win or change. Review your life and change what you can ... or even eliminate things you can't decide about right now, whether they are helping or hindering. Begin with a clean slate.

You can escape from those in your life, demand time alone. But don't wallow in depression during that alone time, use it to enjoy something and build yourself up.

I was ill at age 3. I did well coping ... then was permanently disabled at 34.... it is my draw in life. Yes, there are still days I would rather choose to be with God than here suffering ... but I'm still here.

Perhaps you are trying to live a normal life. Maybe those around you are expecting you to do that. It may not be possible. What's normal for you is probably not other's normal. Who has normal?