I haven't even been able to write about this before now. I was too overwhelmed. I am still volatile and my body is jerking and I'm crying at the slightest things, but my head's a little clearer this morning.

The short version is, I have state insurance and private insurance through my school. Somehow the two found out about each other and my state insurance cut me off from prescription coverage because the other one has some coverage ($1,200 per year). Before this I was getting all of my extremely expensive Rx's for like a $1 copay because I am destitute, way below the poverty line and disabled (by both the state and social security's definitions). The school insurance is something automatic that goes along with my tuition and I just found out that I can opt out of it, which I am doing for this fall, but for the summer I only have that limited amount and over $900 of it was used just for one refill of Geodon ($40 copay) that will only take me through to August 25th if I ration it. I am rationing Wellbutrin and I will run out of it on August 28th, having only half the dose I should be having especially with my depression running high.

The state insurance will not pick up where the school insurance leaves off. I have to be totally off their roster before I can re-enroll in their program. Once I am off of the school insurance, I will no longer be able to see my therapist or my psychiatrist because they don't take the state insurance plan. Basically I had to choose between meds or doctors and I chose meds because they're so much more expensive and on the state plan I can see their doctors, it's just long waits and I'll have to start all over again with my history and dragging it all up.

It was an impossible choice, but I made it. Now I'm resigned to run out of pills before I can re-enroll and to have to say goodbye to my doctors at the end of August.

I worry that the school insurance will somehow cut me off for even the rest of this summer if they find out I won't be re-enrolling for fall.

All of this and I had a terrible session yesterday in therapy that nearly sent me to the hospital. We talked about my past (which I'd been avoiding for the previous year plus) and it opened up a bottomless well of pain. It still hurts and I'm pacing and jerking and crying, as I said at the top.

I'm supposed to go fly to see my family tomorrow, but my T advised against it since the source of my pain is with them. I don't hate them or anything, there's just a lot of hurt there. And being with them for a week...

I was such a wreck yesterday that my T let me make an emergency appt for today (I never see him twice a week) and to come with my partner. That is at noon. My T thinks I need a 2-3 week inpatient program, but when we found out there's no such thing in the area, he said, "You always have the option of the hospital." I am emotionally unstable. I don't know what to do. I don't want to let my family down. They bought the plane tickets and they made dr's appts for me. This is part of what we're talking about in today's session.

All I want is your support. I feel so wrecked. I just want to cry because I feel trapped and like I have no good options. Hospital or family seems like a terrible punishment.