T called and told me she had 11 am open today if i wanted to come. A part of me wanted to say No, I didn't need her. But i knew if i didn't go, then the pain I'm feeling about all of this will continue until next week when i talk to her. So i said Yes, I'd be there at 11 am.

It went good! I got more clarification from her about the email incident. First off, I had assumed when she didn't reply to my message of gratitude and attachment, that it meant she didn't care, that it didn't mean anything to her, or that she was actually bothered by it and wanted to pull away from me.

We figured out that one reason I assumed this is because when i express my emotions to my parents and it is meant with silence, no reply to what i've said, it usually means (or i take it to mean) that they don't like or agree with what i said. Then i make a mental note not to bring it up again. So that's why when i expressed attachment feelings to t and she didn't respond to my sentiments, i took it as her rejecting those feelings, and me for having them.

T told me that the email did mean something to her. She thought it was lovely and felt touched. She does not know why she did not respond with at least a short acknowledgement, except for that she was busy and her sister being in the hospital. She understood, especially after we talked about my parents lack of response to things, how her nonresponse hurt me. She admitted it was insensitive of her and she was sorry i'd been carrying around this hurt for so long. She also told me that she had not been trying to push me away. She thinks it's important when we can share connection in a session.

I also told her what my husband said -- that she was probably trying to withdraw from me and get me to stand on my own two feet because she was going to retire soon. T said if she was going to retire, she would not be pushing me away. If anything, she would be drawing me closer because she does not want her retirement to be another painful loss like i've had in the past.

She assured me that my wanting to feel attached with her was OK. I also apologized for being so sensitive and getting hurt so easy. I admitted that while i thought her response to my email was initially rude, that i was rude for continuing to email when i knew she didn't like it and was busy.

We really didn't talk about what i was going to do about continuing to email versus not email. But i still feel that i want to try not to email. I want to try somehow to hang onto the connected feeling without needing between session booster shots.

One thing she said though that hurt somewhat -- she had told me previously that if she retired, she'd open up her own private practice again and try to get on my insurance so i could keep seeing her. Today, when i brought up the subject of retirement, she said if she was going to retire, along with drawing me closer, she would also be helping me transition to seeing somebody else.

So. . .i guess this means that when she retires, she really is going to retire. I know it's her decision, and i don't want to press her to keep treating me when she goes. I imagine it's pretty expensive to have her own practice, what with having to rent an office, carry malpractice insurance, etc. It just wouldn't make financial sense to do it for a handful, or even a couple of patients who aren't ready to terminate. She might even start feeling resentful down the line if she did that when she really deep down wanted to retire. So i didn't say anything when she told me that. I just need to tuck that information in the back of my mind and trust that when the time comes to terminate, she will help it not feel like a tragic abandonment.

I am SO GLAD for my t, and that we can talk about our problems!! It's hard to do and painful, but usually i go away feeling so much better and having learned in the process.

I feel peaceful and connected to t now.