Great thought Perna. I have been musing on that myself today. My family has revealed a level of understanding and compassion that I didn't know they had for me and my condition. It feels great and is forcing me to rethink a lot about how much I let them into my life.

They want me to tell them how they can help and support me. I am lost for specific ideas because I have always been self sufficient. I find myself questioning if my reliance on self sufficiency is authentic or a defense.

I wonder now if rather than handling things on my own, preferring to be given lots of space to deal with my symptoms when they flare up is properly motivated. I have always thought it is best to avoid the strain of engaging with people when I am having a difficult time. Coping in the quietness of my own spaces.

Today I was wondering if that were in fact best for me. Perhaps I keep people away because I don't fully trust their intentions and that causes me to perform in their presence. To be who I think will be acceptable to them so that they don't judge or reject me. If I can't trust people's intentions then how can I receive anything from them. If I can't trust people to really care then I am compelled to perform. Performance is stressful so naturally I would choose to avoid it if I am needing to accommodate a symptom flare.

What if I did trust them to care. To accept me as I am. To understand the condition enough to not judge me when I am not doing well. What if I believed their expression of love and their desire to help me. What if I didn't feel the need to perform; to mask my pain; to cover up. Would freedom from those things mean that people could help me through the hard times. Maybe coping in silence isn't my best strategy after all.