well, i have decided that it is useless to continue this relation ship. i am obviously in love with this guy, who constantly reminds me that he doesn't love me.
the other day, after a really really bad night at work, he made a comment that hurt my feelings. i started to cry, which is so unlike me...i don't cry in front of people unless something is desperately wrong. it was a bad night at work, i am being singled out, probably because of this affair, and i left an apology voice mail, but reality has set in. i am obviously in love with a drunk who does not reciprocate my feelings. i need to leave this job and thereby eliminate any contact with him.
i am so upset that i need this job so desperately i actually had a panic attack because one of the supervisors singled me out for a particularly crappy job. then he said something that really hurt my feelings and i started to cry, pushed him away when he tried to comfort me.
i am so tired of being in love, and yes i admit that, with someone who does not recirprocate my feelings. my husband is at his wits end over my depression and stress at this job, apparently i complain to him all the time. he thinks i am falling apart and he may be right, though he does not know the entire story.
i contacted the social service agency to see if they could find me a therapist at little or no cost.
i feel as though i am evaporating, with little or nothing left of the real me. i am so stressed, i actually had a panic attack at work, despite the xanax, then when he made a harmless comment, i burst into tears, which is so unlike me.
he doesn't know how i feel, i am afraid to tell him, i feel he will cut if off if he knows. i have resolved to tell him everything after work tonight, and whatever happens, happens. i am sure he will end it...he doesn't love me, he has said so in the past...it would be the best thing that could happen, despite the emotional pain i will feel. now, i just need to find another job, to remove myself completely from the situation.
dear god, what have i done to myself, my husband, my marriage, my life?