argh! I just typed out a whole long response and then I accidentally hit-"backspace" and lost it all!!! argh!!

let me see.. I have to go soon so this won't be as long.... breifly...

I felt lost and sad...at first then I felt tired; then it clicked what had been bothering me so much about chat, about leaving the house, what some of my anxiety is about...being bullied pushed around

I too was bullied at home by older siblings(parents didn't care-- mom had her own violent issues and dad was rarely ever home-- gone gambling most the time).... it sucks when the one place that should be safe-- home-- is also a place of abuse, torment and fear. I think your child part that felt powerless to a stronger abusive sibling and parents that didn't show care, came out ...... she felt lost, and sad and tired.... like how it did to me, it can cause withdrawal-- even from all emotions.(that's me-- dissociation professional)

Then I got mad, I got really mad but what does someone who has been bullied most of their life do when they get mad? I cried but that didn't fulfill or satiate the anger. I'm not a trinket thrower or tanty tosser...I've never let it out before; it felt like being naked when someone knocks at the door and in order to get a robe you have to run past the open window..."Oooh oooh what do I do now?"

Good for you! You got mad! Yes, like you, I've stuffed my feelings all my childhood and adulthood-- I couldn't ever let them see how I felt-- it meant I'd be further abused.... so it felt as if I was so exposed when I finally did.

do I place myself in the path of another telling off? What would happen to me this time? Then I thought "NO! Not any more!" So I told them off It was short and sweet and refreshing!

Hooray for you!! I understand what a great huge step this is!! I do!
Finally respecting OUR feelings-- hooray!
It's not easy to get to this point when all we've known was that we didn't matter, our feelings were never considered and if we tried to speak up we payed dearly for it, instead of being heard or getting help or something. When I give my feelings some kind of power/voice, I get shaky, feel nauseous, dizzy and hot.... like I have the flu. In therapy I'm told that the more I express myself the less the "flu" will take hold of me... I hope they're right.

You went past all that old stuff and burst through it-- good for you-- I think you deserve a trophy!

sorry I lost my other post-- it was much better... but I hope you get the idea from this one.

best to you

fins