A few years ago, my step sister accused my father of molesting her. No one believed her and that includes me. At that point in time, I only remembered the violence, nothing sexual.

Early this year, in my T sessions, I was able to open up to my T about things in my past that I hadnt ever told anyone and it was incredibly painful to do so. Reliving those things makes me feel so small and afraid again and it really hurts. The other night I was thinking about somethings from my past, things that my sister (real sister not step sister) had said and I remembered something from when I was about 4 years old. My father made my sister and I sit in front of the fire place naked while he posed us and took pictures of us. I called my sister and asked her if she remembered it and yes said yes. We talked more about that and certain other things that I am not really ready to talk about here at this time. I have been in knots over this.

Tonight, I called my step sister because I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to hear her tell me what happened to her and I wanted to know what my father did to her. I was reluctant but something in me had to know. So I called. I caught her off guard with my questions and she was very quiet at first. Then she told me specifics and she started to cry. She kept telling me that she loves Dad and she has forgiven him.

I asked her if he admitted abusing her and she said no. I asked her how she could forgive someone who will not admit that they did something wrong. She said because I dont have a choice. She said that she had to go and that she would talk to me later.

I am feeling so many different things right now. I couldnt even begin to tell you what those feelings are. I feel like an idiot for not believing herwhen she came forward. I mean, no one beleived her, everyone shunned her and made her feel so incredibly alone and I was part of that and I can not fathom making someone feel like that.

Why is it now that I can remember only bits and peices of the sexual abuse and not then? Why do I still feel sorry for that bastard? Why am I dredging up the past? Why did I start this?

I have so many questions and very few answers. I have talked to my husband and he wants me to have no further contact with my father. That would be the normal thing to do. But somehow, even after knowing what he did to me, my step sister and my older real sister, I can not simply say, I HATE HIM.

I do hate him. but I love him. I have struggled with this for so long. The love/hate feelings as they are so strong with in me. It is so conflicted that it makes me dizzy. I am tired of hearing that it is the Victim Syndrome because I want to be done with him but I cant. I just cant.