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SleepsWithButterFlies said:
YES if we allowed someone to wallow too long for us....but then the question becomes WHO deternines when it is too long? THAT is where I think problems can arise.

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This speaks to my thoughts about the question. I'm not sure that everyone comes here with the intention to change. Some maybe are just looking for some humanity in a world which looks down on mental illness or those struggling with life problems. Although when we care about people, as this community fosters, we want to see them improve and feel better, there's no requirement that someone has to be looking to change to participate here.

There's a theory (Transtheoretical Model of Change by Prochaska and DiClemente) about stages of change that started in addictions work, but has been shown to be more widely applicable. It depends on where someone is along these stages what kind of intervention (i.e. support or advice) is effective. The early stages are: precontemplation, when the person does not consider their behavior or issue to be a problem, even if others do; and contemplation , when the person is beginning to consider changing a behavior or solving a problem but is not committed to it yet and does not quite know how to go about it. That is to say, they are thinking about changing, but they are not convinced they can or need to. In these stages, active strategies for change such as advice, direction, suggestions, etc. are NOT effective. The person is not committed to change, so even if they try the advice, they usually are not able to see it through when challenges come up (and they usually do!).

The more effective strategy in the early stages is something called motivational interviewing. This approach is designed to help the person think through the consequences (costs and benefits) of maintaining the status quo versus changing the behavior. If effective, and the person sees enough benefit to risk making a change versus the costs of making the change (It's hard, lifestyles may change, takes focused energy, etc.), only then is the person ready to begin to explore HOW to change. Once they have the committment and the knowledge of how to do it, then the person begins to actively tackle the problem.

I share this not so that we can all act as therapists or coaches, and not to lecture. But I have found this theory to be invaluable when trying to understand why someone seems "stuck" and why I might be getting frustrated in trying to help someone. When I am feeling this way in trying to help someone, I try to consider where in these stages (precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and relapse prevention ) the person is. Then I might need to re-assess whether my efforts match where they are in these stages.

So, short message: not everyone is ready to change, and our wellmeaning and caring suggestions may not be as effective early in a person's path to wellness.

Another sort of "global" way of thinking of support that I value is this: I believe that it's valuable for people to feel comfortable and accepted "in their own skin", just as they are, before they can feel free to change. This is a way of thinking that is similar to Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which balances acceptance of the person just as they are with the possibility of change. Imagine how much safer it might feel to try to work on improving if you felt accepted and cared for by others just as you are, while you are doing this for yourself?

Sorry so long....if you stuck with me in reading this, I thank you.

gg