*trigger trigger trigger - sui*

needing wisdom to try and mindfully carry out the above.
and wondering whether quitting it all is not the best answer.

in the past month:
- lost my job
- kicked out of uni
- guy i was semi-involved with told me he still wants his ex, and would go back to her if she said yes. he intends on sending her email to make sure she is still ok with her decision to break up. he'd come over to make sure i was ok after the uni fallout. i told him i needed to feel like a worthwhile person and that i wouldn't do anything that night but could he please stay anyway. he decided to leave. lesson learnt = deli only good for sex.
- cancer-type symptoms i had a few years ago have returned. they didn't find anything last time, but it took 9 months to clear up and for me to go back to normal. i dont have a job this time to be able to pay for all the specialist tests again. and im living out of home so im wondering how im even going to afford the rent. im too unwell right now to find a new job. my head isnt in the right place to be responsible enough to commit to showing up and im not able to concentrate enough to carry out anything properly. hence getting kicked out of uni.
- i dont really have a family anymore. they've been doing all these things without inviting me; things i would've thought maybe someone would have asked me if i wanted to be involved in. the temptation for me would be to return home right now, but ive just realised i dont really have a home to return to anymore.
- pdoc on leave. didnt respond to my txt asking for help. austin-t not the person to talk to right now; he doesn't believe in talking someone out of sui* anyway.
- ive gone off my meds. i'd increased them last week and the sui thoughts had started (known side effect) which is why i'd asked pdoc what to do, and he didnt reply, even though he said i could still get him while he was on leave.

housemate going away over weekend. family going away over weekend & next week. finding it hard to think what else i can do. im tired of this happening. over, and over again. life wasnt meant to be like this and im tired of it being the way it is. no control over anything. always something going wrong. i dont think there are any lessons worth learning from this other than when it's time to decide enough is enough.