awww, deli. I'm so sorry, sweetie. It sounds like things are really hard for you right now. That is a lot for anyone to handle! You're right, life wasn't meant to be like this. And it doesn't have to be. I know what it's like to be in the place you are now, but I also know that it CAN get better. You don't want to miss out on the chance to see what that's like.

I agree w/SAWE, keep trying to get ahold of pdoc. Does he have someone covering him while he's gone?

I also say, go back on your meds. You have enough other crap going on right now, going off your meds isn't going to help with that. I speak from experience there, too.

And yes, austin-t may not be your first choice to turn to, but is it better than reaching out to a stranger? If so, call him. I have also called crisis lines, many times, and they can be very helpful and comforting.

Lastly, please keep talking here, post as much as you want to and need to. We care about you.