I understand how it feels to have overwhelming shame and guilt. I am bipolar also. I have made a few terrible decisions in my past during hypomanic periods and will regret some of them for the rest of my life. It is really hard to move on.

Are you seeing a T? My T and I have discussed the worst of my bad decisions and she has helped me to understand that when I made my decisions I was in a hypomania. She specifically used the word "sick". While I also don't believe that I can blame it all on that, I feel very strongly that I would not have made the same choices if I were in a stable state mentally. She helped me see that I have to forgive myself instead of beating myself up all the time. Instead I have learned from my mistakes and know with all my heart that I will never make those mistakes again. Now matter how "sick" I am.

It sounds like you have turned your life around. You realize the mistakes you made and why you made them. Now you have to forgive yourself for those mistakes. We are not defined by the mistakes we make, we are defined by who we are inside. You are good on the inside or you would not feel remorse for the things you did. And the people you let down should forgive you as well as they see that you aren't making those same mistakes again. 9 years without a drink is a great accomplishment. Good for you!

I hope this helps you in some way to feel better. I truly understand how you feel.