It sounds to me like you are reacting to your anxious and depressed feelings rather than doing an emergency response.

Life is not "meant" to be any particular way and no one has control, just, sometimes, the illusion of control. I've sorry you are having a really hard time right now but I think, from the above, you can see the all or nothing thinking you are engaging in?

I would call pdoc's backup or go to the ER or rank order my immediate problems (even if it took 9 months to get over whatever the cancer-like issues, you did get over them!) and start to work responding to them, working them through. To me, the most immediate one would be the psych meds or lack of psych meds that may be helping mess up my thinking.