this post could go in several different forums but, i think due to the entire picture, best fits here.
most of you know that my father passed in May. he was buried on what would have been his 65th birthday...May 18th. you also know that i'd not seen him for 14 yrs prior to just months before he died. i'd only seen him probably 5 times since i was 18. he was doing his own thing... prior to that was well, hell, he was just a part of that though.
anyhow, in those months just before his surgery until his death, we recaptured so much. it was sadly beautiful. however, there was much still unsettled. it left me feeling like i'd always yearned for my father...from the day i was born...now i'll always be waiting.
anyhow, it was just me and dad...that was it. the brothers refused to go to him. it was all on me. i couldn't let him die alone...i couldn't. i have NO confusion that i did the right thing for both of us there. he had an impressive military burial as he was a twenty yr marine. they marine corps honor guard flew men in to honor him properly. he would've been so proud.
as a result, i was flooded with memories and feelings added to what i was already feeling. i sank into a pretty serious depressive/ptsd episode. i'm coming around pretty well on that. it came to a head when i realized that the message he sent me a week before his death saying to call him and that he loved me (i could listen to anytime that i wanted) was gone...just gone. that brings us current.
i need to go to KY and make sure that his marker is in place and settle a couple of things there. my husband has asked me to wait another month as i'm just now coming around a bit. however, i feel a sense of urgency about this. i have to admit, i'm in no hurry to risk going back to where i'm coming from.
just thinking about it is bringing so much to me...memories, thoughts, feelings, emotion. i don't know what to do or when to do it. i would like to go and get it done, then again possibly i should allow myself more time to heal? ugh.
thanks for listening.
kd