Quote:
Originally Posted by Shakti
I'm not sure exactly how it works with a therapist as far as when is appropriate to call etc., since I have never had one and don't have one. But I think your advice to call friends who have never steered him the wrong way was very good. What he wants and is looking for truly (much like a lot of us are) is (probably) a place (people and their ears and their words can be places when we are in distress) to let out a long deep breath, rest back for a minute or two and regroup, be told it's ok and will be ok, and to be reassured he is loved. I'm the queen of this last: I've made my partner jump through hoops for this reassurance because I need to feel safe and secure so badly and it's absurd because I do not doubt his love or his devotion for a millisecond even in the darkest of times--for ten years now. He's never wavered or blinked an eye. And still I need this and I push for it. As bipolars, our worlds can seem so very dark that we just get scared and so damn frustrated that we communicate in counterproductive, frustrating, and relentlessly circular ways. It's not easy--for us or for the people who live with us and love us.
The not feeling like we have anyone to talk to thing is also very common. In a way, it is true. Unless you are bipolar and have experienced this, you can try and try and try to understand it, but you cannot. You can on an intellectual, cerebral level, but this experience is far deeper than that. It is emotionally wrenching, a constant demon, like having your brain stretched this way and that way all day every day and even these words....oh man....there just aren't words. And even each person's experience of bipolar is not exactly the same. Some are very similar and some are different, although all have their hallmark similarities that make them obviously on the bipolar spectrum. So when he says that, just try to understand, that while he means unbiased in that you love him and so you are biased that way, I think he might also mean (when it comes down to it) that non-bipolar people cannot "get it." I'm putting words into his mouth here because the impression I got from what you wrote is just that he needed someone to talk to that wasn't his significant other, but my feeling is that it is like an itch that can't be quite scratched when the person you are talking to has no clue what you are feeling, no matter how many different ways you try to explain it. This isn't to say that for him talking to friends he trusts won't help (it might and probably will!!), but he might need some sort of connection to people who understand his day-to-day experience(s) with this illness and with whom he can relate. Kind of like how all of us here form a community and support one another. You have no idea how much it helps, truly.
For your words of encouragement for him, I think all you can do is love him and let him know it and keep an eye out on him. It's really all you can do. Does he enjoy reading or have the focus for it? There are some wonderful books out there that, if he hasn't read them, might offer some perspective for him (Kay Redfield Jamison is one of my absolute favorites). Also there are some bipolar workbooks and such out there that are actually really fantastic tools, silly as they may seem at first self-helpy glance... I'm not sure if he'd be interested in the least or if maybe his therapist has already broached this topic....
You are wonderful for caring so much to post here. He's lucky to have you.
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Luckily enough, one of his really good friends happened to be in town this week, visiting, and I know he got together with her to talk, like I suggested. I don't know what advice she gave him or what he got from their talk yet, but I hope it helped. And I hope it was good to have another person he is close to to talk with.
I haven't talked with him very much in the last couple of days. I am trying to give him some space to sort things out...do you think that is a good idea? When I DO talk to him, I tell him how much I love him and I am here for him and I will always stand by him, but I am also not trying to constantly bombard him with questions or anything (such as I did the first day he told me he was going to leave) because I don't know if that will frustrate him even more?
He does like to read, a lot, but mostly fiction or biographies of rock stars, ha! I'm not sure what he would think of if I suggested a bipolar workbook, honestly.
And thank you for the last thing you said, it is incredibly kind. I just want to try to understand in any way I can. I know I will never truly understand being bipolar, since I am not, but I love him so much and I just want to be there for him in any way that I can.