I'm a 30 year old female. I remained a virgin until the age of 20, at which time I was involved with my 31 year old boss (who was married, but going through a separation). He was a manager of a nightclub and into drugs and the whole "going out" scene. I was naive and fell head over heels for him... even though I knew in my heart that he was bad news. I couldn't share our relationship with most of my friends or family, because I was ashamed. We were together for a little over a year, until I found out (through his email account) that he had cheated on me with a mutual friend. I was completely devastated and heart broken. I had been so involved with him, that I lost contact with all my girlfriends... so I spent many lonely nights in my room bawling my eyes out and wondering why I wasn't good enough or what I could have done different to make him stay around.

Fast forward... a couple of years later, I moved to another state and an interest for women began. I've had 4 serious girlfriends since him and dated a few men here and there. I have a fear of dating men, expecially when it comes to intimacy.

EVERY serious relationship I've ever been in has been a secret to at least a few people, if not more, in my life. Also, might I add... EVERY relationship has started out with me becoming involved with someone who is already in a relationship. I never go for single people... and the only sense I can make of that in my head is that I have such an intense fear of cheating. I figure that if I date someone who already has a boyfriend or girlfriend, they can't cheat on me. Does that make sense?

I also don't consider myself gay... I am attracted to both males and females, but I think my attraction to relationships with women is that they can't lead to marriage (legally, at least). Does this mean I have a fear of commitment?

I want nothing more than to marry a man, settle down, and have lots of children... but I feel like until I work through all these issues, it will never happen. I'm not getting any younger and my biological clock is starting to tick. Can anyone help me make sense of my crazy past and how it affects me today? I'd be most grateful.

Thanks in advance.