I'm writting here because this is an ugly topic and I am hoping someone can offer some new perspectives on my situation. From the reading I've done many many people are facing simliar issues, but it is a very hard thing to talk about. I've been circling around the same arguments for the last 4 days. This will probably be a long post - there is just too much going on.

First - some background. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years, we have a 6 year old daughter. During this time he as battled an addiction to pornography - it has been our struggle. I found it hurtful and difficult but we have been very commited to making this marrige work.

About 3 years ago I found some really, really awfull stuff on his computer, some of it involving childeren. I was disgusted and horrified and my very first reaction was take my daughter and leave. Instead, because I am very very commited to our relationship and because this was the first time I'd seen anythign like this, and because I believe God can heal all things, and childeren need both parents, I decided to try and stay and get counselling. I said at that time that if it did not stop right then I would take daughter and leave, I would not allow that in my family. I had never, ever even hinted at leaving so this was huge for both of us.
So we worked through a counselling program and we prayed and finally (I thought) named the problem, honestly expressed the issue, and found a path back from that horrible edge. This was 3 years ago.

He has struggled since then, occasionaly, with regular (not horrible) porn and things like that. And I have forgave and he's gotten "back on the wagon" each time. But each time it hurt. Then came last weekend. I found more things on the computer (because I'm the porn-cop at my house). This time the subject matter was even more disturbing. It wasn't pictures but was stories downloaded from the internet, all involving incest and young childeren. I was - as you can imagine - absolulty horrified. It was like a nightmare. It is like a nightmare.

When I confronnted him he broke down and admitted he needed seriouse help to deal with the underlying issues. He understood that I can't trust my daughter with him. He swears he never touched her, and I believe him. I have to believe him. But this is an ugly horrible path he's on and I can't put her in any danger. I want to support him in this struggle, I know he is in huge pain and wants to change. But my mom instinct is totally at war with the wife thing. So I packed up daughter and I left. I said I needed to think - needed some time to understand if there is a way back from this. But I just dont' see how.

I have been gone for 4 days now.
He has contacted a therapist and talked to some men from our church. He is trying to get the help he needs.
I haven't spoken to him. My daughter thinks we are having a vacation at Grandma's. And I still don't see a way back from this. How can ever, every trust him around her? Leaving all thoughts of my happiness and trust asside - how can I ever risk her ? How could I ever forgive myself if he does the counseling and I go back and then something happens to her?
But it's not black and white, of course. I love him - and the marriage was mostly good with the exception of this horrible ugly part - and he's been a good dad - he and my daughter have always been very close. I have never had a suspicion that there was any inappropriate behavoir.

But now I'll always know the risk is there - and as a mother I think there is no way at all I can risk it. But I know if we divorce this will hurt her hugely. And I have no idea how to explain. And there's the whole visitation issue. I desperatly want her to have a real, healthy relationship with her father, but I don't know how. I don't know if there is any hope of reconciliation. I left for a few days but it felt like it was final. It felt like good bye.

So after that novel I've just written - it's not black and white, is it? Thoughts and fantasies are not actions. People can be healed and can change. Forgiveness and trust can happen. But so can mistakes, and failure. And the risk is huge, for her, for him, for me. Divorce will hurt all of us. Maybe staying will hurt all of us worse. And so it's been 4 days and the choice is still muddied. I see no path back, and I see no path forward. Any thoughts / observations / perspectives are welcome.