to everyone!

I really needed your support today and you all came through. I feel a warmth in my center and a small smile on my face

I feel angry - at T for how he handled this request, telling me he'd like to but he did not see the ultimate benefit. I heard "I like you a lot, so I"m uncomfortable seeing you again. You let me off easy not getting into the feelings part and I'm not going to open the door for that baggage". (T runs from my feelings?)

I'm glad I got some of the feelings out while he was on the phone, and I reserve the right to leave messages with additional feelings

I'm angry at T for how he handled my transference for the WHOLE time - 18 mo - he thought it was about him, so that's how he reacted, was uncomfortable the whole time. So I kept thinking it might be about him liking me back vs. about the connection to feelings and experiences in my past (which I was talking about, he just could not do his part). I don't think I really understood this failure until now

I feel stupid for not trusting my instincts over all these months that he just wasn't right in some way - maybe 75-80% right. And maybe I was measuring against the wrong things, so his score is over-inflated. I feel stupid for staying with him for so long - even when others kindly said "Maybe you should find someone else? Maybe a woman?"

I'm still glad for what I learned, about saying no, setting my boundaries, sticking up for myself, keeping myself safe. Making pro-me choices. I'm glad that he approached working with me in a way that I felt comfortable, willing to return. I'm glad I had a place to go and be angry. It was good to know that what he really wanted for me was that I learned to love myself.

So, it's probably good that he left; I'm not sure - even with my plan to terminate - that I'd have managed to leave. He always thought he could be the perfect T, solve any problem, and I always wanted to give him the chance.

At the end of this day, I know that if I want to leave it as-is, I can probably do so in peace.