Hello everyone, I am home.

That apparently was the van earlier that I missed, and since the van company apparently told the program that they were here yesterday (they weren't) they sent someone to the house to check on me. At first they seemed concerned that I was lying to them and was just skipping the program (they were NOT rude about it, and I think it is a valid concern) but once they saw I was anxious to go they took me there, even gave me a few minutes to shower and re-dress (and post that short note here... sorry but I didn't want to keep them waiting longer).

It went well today, and I am (cross fingers) set up for no problems tomorrow.

I liked the group but didn't really get a full taste of the program. I didn't even see the doctor yet. I did get there late and it seems like the doctor does "rounds" earlier in the morning. They also said they would talk to me about other resources I may need help with.

While that is great news, I am still skeptical about my ability to crawl out of this. Emotionally, yes. But it may be the case that the only real solution is to sell my house. The idea of moving with no one to help me terrifies me... partly the move itself but moreso the idea that there is no one around in my life to give me the support I may need so what is the point?

Just the idea of not having a car... no way to get around myself... lack of the freedom I've depended on all my life, and now know that if that fails I have no one else to depend on... so what if my condition gets worse? What when my arthitis gets so bad I can barely move? I don't have any savings anymore either where I could "buy" myself out of that situation in the future... i.e. put myself in a private facility or something. There will likely be no one around when I die (not that I'm planning on doing that any time soon). And don't think that being at the mercy of the pickup van for the past two weeks didn't reinforce my fears of not being able to get around on my own...

Anyway I have an open mind and can't make any sort of judgement on the program after one day. Gee that sounds like a huge disconnect after the previous paragraph. I know that most of that comes from the garbled thinking of depression, but a lot of it is real, too... like the possibility that I can't afford to stay here, and I can't imagine how I would deal with that even without depression interfering.

Anyway I'll end this focusing on something good... something small but definitely good and definitely real... the lunch there was good today and I got to take two leftover sandwiches home with me. And without any guilt that I might be taking food from someone more needy... they were just going to be thrown out at the end of the day. Tomorrow I may bring my backpack to take home all the extras.