I could be making mountains out of molehills here (or completely misreading things altogether), but I may have remembered something worth looking into. As a young child, I had a number of babysitters. One, Vicki something, treated me like a toddler/infant even at 5 years old. I remember Mike (my brother/abuser, whom I was supposedly inseperable from at that age) frequently urging me (and coaching me on how to) climb out of the playpen/crib I'd often be put in...I think we'd them hide from Vicki for as long as possible--like a scared hiding, not a playful sort. One particular incident is rather distressing to me: I was lying on the couch, Vicki changing my diaper; I was screaming bloody murder, then my parents arrived to take me home. Why, at 5 years old, was I in diapers? I didn't have any bedwetting problems. And even if I had, why would I be in diapers during the day? A 5 year old should be quite used to using the bathroom, and this is the only time that I remember being changed at that age. (It is quite possible that she was doing something else, but I remembered it as similar to having my diaper changed...)

It's worth mentioning that, upon remembering Vicki, my heart rate skyrocketed and I began hyperventilating instantly. Again, I could be psyching myself out for nothing. But there's gotta be something (other than the CSA by my brother) that made me DID--and something that made Michael an abusive, rage-filled, child narcissist. He's 2 years older, so he might remember some things I don't. Unfortunately, that means I'd have to make a deal with the devil...and hope it wouldn't cost me my soul.

ALSO--me and my mother ran into Vicki in a Walgreens or some similar store when I was in my early teens. My mom urged me to say hi to her; I remember being so creeped out by her, to the point of almost having a panic attack. She was just a very eerie, creepy woman...and her husband was an overweight, drunk, scary-quiet/serious *ss. Plus I hardly remember anything else about Vicki or the time she babysat us.

THOUGHT: What if the CSA by my brother was just "mastery play" (to him)? Him trying to make sense of something that happened to him by reenacting it with me?

About all I do remember (except what I've just mentioned) is that Harlow, a boy from my class at school, and his little brother Nathaniel were also babysat by Vicki on occasion while we were there. Being as I can fairly easily recall me and Harlow playing with those wooden toy trains that link together by round magnets on either end, I think it safe to say that (if anything happened) it didn't occur when Harlow and Nathaniel were there.

Except the memory of Vicki changing my diaper (or whatever), almost everything took place in the basement (like playing with Harlow, sneaking out of my playpen, hiding, etc.)

Anyway...just wanted some feedback on what I can do to remember more (or if I should just let it go?)...or your own similar experiences, words of comfort, telling me I'm an idiot and I'm imagining stuff...whatever comes to mind. Thanks.