When I was growing up, I lost many family members to cancer, heart attack, just plain old age & dying in their sleep......but I never thought about my own death until 1994 when I lost my career & lost who I was along with a bad marriage that my career was able to keep me away from sooooooo that was when I decided that ending my own life was the best option of all. Lost count of the number of times I tried. One time I actually tried when I was being discharged from the hospital. Ended up in the emergency room & then in ICU in a coma on life support for several days. For those many years, I was sure that it was I who was going to end my own life. Then I thought that anorexia would be the solution since one of my meds had made me loose so much weight......that way the stigma of taking my own life wouldn't be something my family had to deal with.........but that wasn't God's choice with my life which was the only reason I could have survived some of what I had gone through.

Today life looks wonderful in many ways & even though there are many things that aren't the way I want them in my life, I wouldn't change most of it for any other way of life.....so my thoughts now of how I might die are strictly old age.

After going through my Mothers death 5 years ago with cancer.....a cancer that she should have taken care of but ignored for years (not according to her, but according to the facts about the cancer she had). I keep thinking how horrible it would be to know there was something you should have taken care of health wise but ignored & denied that there was even anything there until a few months before she actually did something about it (there was no way a tumor the size of my fist in a slow growing cancer could have gotten that large in a couple of months). To think that if you hadn't ignored it, it wouldn't have been the cause of your death, but because you handled your own health so irresponsibly, it ended up being her death......that is one thing I don't want to do ever. I always take care of things as quickly as I can when I know there is something that is a health problem or that is causing me concern & am even more aware of those kinds of things after going through that with my Mother.

I am sure that I will probably die of a heart attack hopefully in my sleep completely alone as I have no family around me & my daughter lives 1000 + miles away.

I am not worried about death any longer. I am not sure how I would react if I were in a situation like my Mother's.....she would tell the pastor that she didn't fear dying & yet she continued to hang on, asking me when she was going to get better because she just knew that God had given her such a wonderful surgeon that he would save her life. Somehow that doesn't tell me that she didn't have a fear of death......the unknown moment between life & death. Our who family holds onto the faith that there is eternal life & nothing to fear. In reality, it is the part of life that is really looked forward to rather than feared. I just pray that the path that takes me there does not have regrets that I didn't take care of something that I should have that will cause me to suffer needlessly & that in old age (if nothing happens before then) I will just go to sleep one night & not wake up....a peaceful passing into eternal life.

I am sure it won't be in an auto accident.....I watch so well around me when I am driving that unless someone else is driving, I will not die with my own hands on the steering wheel. I have avoided so many auto accidents with my watchful eyes & gut feelings.....besides, I drive a huge truck (dodge 1500)....I feel like I'm driving a tank after all the sports cars I have driven in my life....it's a really safe feeling.