I have two close friends (both male, I'm female), one that I have known for 9 years and the other for 6, and an X I've known for 4 years that I still talk to but am not that close with anymore (still haven't forgiven him). These are the only people outside of my family (who I'm not that close with) that I have maintained close relationships with in the last ten years. I haven't talked to anyone I knew from school in at least five years, and saw them only a handful of times for the previous five since graduating in 2000. There are accquaintances at work that I talk to but not outside of work.

The closer of my two friends thinks that our relationship is more than a friendship and that the things we do together, and how I act, are not what friends are supposed to be; he believes that the form of our relationship is not like what a "normal friendship" is and that we are much closer than that, more like a couple, and I don't want to be a couple with him. I don't know how to be any other way and it is causing him to be confused, and now I feel like I'm doing something wrong and I need to pull away. I love him, but I'm not in love with him, though I feel great affection for him and sometimes express it physically - I'll give him a back rub or a hug because he looks like he needs it, or lie on opposite ends of the couch with our legs touching... I don't know what normal is supposed to be. I don't know if I'm doing things that are innappropriate and I don't want to make him uncomfortable, and I'm confused. It makes me feel guilty to touch people or let them touch me... I don't mean in a sexual way, just affectionately. Not touching anyone is very lonely and it hurts in my chest after a while but I feel bad for wanting that.

I don't know what any type of relationship is supposed to look like, and I don't know how to form new friendships, even with people who would like to be my friend... I find it incredibly intimidating and I don't know how to deal with it, I get very mistrustful and guarded, I think that they are faking it for some reason. It makes me want to cry that people want to spend time with me. That's backward, isn't it? I feel like I don't deserve it. I am always afraid that if I do something with someone new I won't be able to think of anything to say and they will not enjoy spending time with me. I get nervous and say stupid things and I worry that they think I am stupid or immature or boring or boastful. Sometimes I do pretty well and I feel like I'm doing a good job of it, not talking when I'm not supposed to and talking at other times, not talking too much. When people email or text me I don't know what to do, I don't answer them for a long time and they think I don't like them. When people invite me out I feel too shy and I make an excuse to not go and then I feel stupid for not going. I'm pushing people away without meaning to and I don't know what to do, and other people I bring so close that they get hurt because I don't want more and sometimes I don't even know what I want!

I think some reasons might be that my parents didn't have any friends so I didn't see them interact with people and learn how to do it. I also didn't have any real friends as a child and didn't have a best friend until I was twelve, and had very few close friends afterward. My mother also didn't let me out of the house much and I didn't know any of the kids in the neighbourhood. I would go the entire summer without spending time with people my own age and I didn't even know how, I didn't even know that I didn't know how until it was way too late. In high school the people I loved didn't love me the way I loved them. They felt more like a family to me than my biological one. They were most important to me but I was often forgotten or left out. Maybe I tried too hard and they found me annoying to be around? There were so many little things... I didn't realize that I didn't swing my arms when I walked until they told me so I practiced and now I do it normally. I was treated really badly by other kids at school and was ostracized because I didn't know how to interact, and it made things worse. I didn't learn how to socialize that well until I was an adult and I still have so many problems with it and I'm 29 now and it's almost worse now than it was before. I thought I was doing pretty well with two friends but my psychiatrist says I need to make more. She also says that they have to be female and I'm especially afraid of females. I haven't had a female friend in years and I typically ignore them out of a general feeling that we won't have anything in common. There's one girl I have been trying to talk to at work but she doesn't talk much so maybe I'm misinterpereting the situtation.

My psychiatrist wants me to move out of the house I'm living in now because I live with my two friends and they hate each other and one of them is really jealous when I spend time with the other and gets angry and emotionally manipulative so I'm distancing my self a bit. The other is in love with me and I get to see every day that I'm hurting him, but he is my best friend and I have no one else. But I have no place else to go - the rent is cheap and if I moved I would have to find a new home for my dog (it would break my heart) and sell a lot of my stuff or put it into storage because I wouldn't be able to afford a place that would fit my stuff in, and I'd be really, really lonely. And on top of that my X keeps alluding to regret over letting me go and sometimes I don't want to talk to him but he is lonely and I don't want him to be alone.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone at all, and I don't have any other friends to talk to. And the people that want to be my friends apparently want to help me but I don't know them that well and it scares me. I really don't know what to do. I feel like I need to get away but I've got no where to go and if I went anywhere I would just be alone. When I'm alone I mostly just sleep because it feels like nothing is worth doing. I am so tired. I wish there was a place I could go and have a nice time.

So... what are friends supposed to do/be? I looked it up on Wikipedia and it makes sense for the most part, I just don't know how to tell when I'm doing something wrong sometimes. I need to go to sleep I think. I just needed to tell someone this stuff I guess so I hope it wasn't too long for people, sorry if it was. And thanks if it wasn't.