I woke this morning from a long, involved dream where, basically, I was going overseas or somewhere "foreign" to me and was expected to play the organ (a church sort of activity) and lead the chorus! I don't know music, can't sing or play an instrument even a little. I was getting all anxious, and all my friends and others were making light of it, telling me I'd do fine and it wasn't any big deal.

I finally told the people "over there" that I could not do what they had asked (and apparently I had de facto agreed to do, it was assumed I would) and told them in no uncertain terms to take me off the program/list/set of beliefs and conversations that thought I was going to do these things. I felt a little bit of relief but the whole result felt mostly "neutral" like it was no big deal that I wasn't doing it.

I guess, looking at it now that I've written it out, what sticks out for me is that everyone else felt either thing was no big deal, the whole scenario played out inside me only. When I asserted myself and said I would not do it (and pointed out I knew nothing about music or playing the organ, etc. so it would be ridiculous to want me in the first place) that I felt good for having asserted myself but a bit surprised that there was no argument/backlash about how I would have been fine, could have done it.

It's not that I wanted to be talked in/out of it or reassured/made much of in any way, it's more like somehow I'd gotten myself into the "problem" in the first place and could have gotten out at any time but felt restricted in some way from doing that and thus caused my own anxiety/angst. There was no problem. I wonder, since I got out, what would have happened if I'd continued and tried to do the organ/chorus conducting? I tried to imagine that before I woke completely and couldn't make it work, it ended with me being horribly embarrassed because I wasn't fine/couldn't do/fake it.