|
I haven't written here in a long time. I haven't given support to anyone. So I may not have the right to do so now.
I can't even articulate this..... over the years, my birth family has slowly pushed me out of their lives. This culminated with my fathers death a few years ago. I always told my mother that I was afraid I would get pushed out and not belong any more. I'm not a young kid...I supposidly have my own family and husband. I am not privy to my mother's medical issues or anything "family related" The birth family does not validate that I feel this. I am alone.I want to belong.
Lately the husband has been acting a lot like birth family and blaming me, sayng very hurtful things and offering no emotional support. We will not ask for anything because that is just a set up for pain and hurt. We did not ask the husband to do research for us tonight, yet he did. We said thank you. Yet when we didn't think we'd have a way to persue this resurch because of the birth family and them not wanting us to know anythng, he got very angry. We are accused of making excuses. Husband knows the situation, he knows that the children now repeat exact derogatory phrases from the birth family....HE should KNOW and they are not true.
Now he seems to be of the same mind as birth family. Now it seems that we are totally alone in reality. We will not let his cruel words hurt. No one will ever see us cry again. We will never need of want from anyone. It isNOT SAFE TO NEED. He used to see our hurt but now, he uses it against us. There is no reason to be..."raison d'etre" (the French is rusty)
We cannot continue to pretend all is well...that we feel nothing...that we can't be hurt. There is no more safe place to fall. Once or twice we believed there were those safe places only to be tricked. There wiLL BE NO MORE PAIN
|