thanks everyone and lol Sannah - my T has used that same threat on occasions

I guess i worked out part of what his call triggered - iw as very happy to talk wiht him - but the feeling that it brought back goes back to wheni was attacked and when i was a child - - its being powerless - i cant fix his cancer, i have changed but i dont seem to be able to fix me - I miss his honesty and the fact that he knows me so well - there are very few that read me as well as he does - or did ..... I KNOW i cant change things - he has cancer - i stil have probs - BUT I WANT TO !!!!! stamps feet and ruffles feathers grrr! and yes i know thats unrealistic.....

maybe i need that kick up the butt Sannah !

i am moving - maybe at a snails pace - maybe two steps forward one back - but i am moving.....

but i dont seem to learn grrrrr! e.g., fix my finances set a plan to repay debts - then stuff it up - then fix my finances etc..... unless i find out why i keep beign so darn stupid i wilkeep repeting these mistakes over andover like i do - I know all the right coping mechanisms and techniques - geez ive read thousands - yet when i get agitated and sad i either want to SI or over eat or over spend money i def dont have - sighs... see NOT LEARNING!! (I have a feeling the wall will break before my head does ....)

and this damned Borderline label - whyd i have to have that - it makes me feel like i should have a bell round my neck and a sign warning people off - (no offense to other Borderlines meant )

i guees im not making sense - i dont think im "sick" enough to need another T - i dot want to waste a T's time - the T before this said that i needed to do self development classes - that there was nothing wrong wiht me YAY! - i did a self dev class - it just made me triggery - they were all jumping up and down and shouting "i'm absolutely fabulous" "Awesome!" - hmmm dont think i fit in lol

I'm feeling better - somehow working out why i was sad helps - i dont feel quite so out of control now - only 2 out of 4 runaway horses lol

and yes there is grieving - and loss - and lots of other things - but thats life isnt it

thanks for helping everyone -

P7 (settles on perch and puts her head under her wing and closes her eyes hoping it will all be all right in the morning )