((((((( rainbow ))))))) thank you. I think I made a serious mistake though... :-(
I emailed my T and said this...

"T.... Thank you so much for your time today and the session. A very big part of my fear of you not being there for me also comes from thinking "He is going to tell me he thinks someone else would be better or that I am too much trouble for him." :-(

I know we can't tell what the future will bring, but I am ready now to allow myself to really honor our relationship. That is beyond frightening to type! But that means I will not walk away from you... that I will trust you and allow my heart to be free to be totally honest about everything (which THAT is frightening because I still have ALOT of inner stuff that I need to share with you and process through - not trauma stuff but the fallout stuff - urrrrrrrr. It also means I can trust in YOUR process with me... that I will not be always ready to think the worst of simple things just because I am always looking for an emotional out.

Trying to articulate my NEED on this... I NEED to know from you that you will not give up on me. Even if you have to find me more help for whatever if something comes up in the future or whatever... but I NEED to know you will not dump me. That you will keep on trying hard to be there for me when you can and in your T way that is right to do. I need to know that given normal circumstance and not counting odd life stuff that may happen like if you decided to move to Hawaii - I need you to let me know you will be my "life T" like what you have with your T.

Man, I am afraid of even sending this to you! It is the terror - pure terror - of knowing I am sending this email to you as a need and not just a want. "

~~~~

Anyway, I sent this to him last night but of course no reply... normal for him really... But somehow the act of him NOT sending me back just a single word on this... IDK... It is like I don't want to read anything into the silence but my heart took it and said "There it is. You gave everything you had in a big bag but he is not REALLY there at all."

I honestly don't know what to think about it. Kinda just don't care anymore anyway. It is odd because it is like I am so happy that he said what he did yesterday but then ... And I just am kinda like feeling I just don't care anymore. That song keeps going over and over in my mind "alone again - naturally"