I talked to my T yesterday. Sometimes it really helps to have her just say "don't self injure". I also looked back saw that it's been almost exactly 6 mos since I last cut, that milestone really helped me not want to lose all that time.

I think that a lot of the self-hatred I'm feeling right now comes from talking about the trauma. Yes, the abuser told me not to tell, but more than that, I told MYSELF not to tell. I made a very strict rule for myself to not talk about it, to not think about it, and I lived by that for 20 years. So, opening up now, talking about it, it feels very, very wrong and weak and like I'm betraying that part of me that held the secret for so long.

Anyway, I do feel a little better today in terms of not obsessively thinking about SI. My T said "don't hurt that beautiful body of yours" and I keep trying to hold onto that feeling when I start thinking about SI.