Hi Folks,

This is my first time joining a forum and trying to connect with people who may understand the situation, both from my and my husband's perspectives.

My husband was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with severe psychotic features over a year ago. His diagnosis recently changed to major depressive disorder with social anxiety.

Some facts:

1. We got married 3 years earlier, but started living together 1.5 years ago due to his being a foreign national. His primary language and culture are, obviously, not English/American. He was struck with a major depressive episode, complete with a suicide attempt, 6 months after we began living as a married couple. His job of 1.5 months seemed to have been the trigger.

2. He had a history of depression since over 10 years ago, but lied to me before and after the marriage re: his depression. He merely told me that he had had one small, "normal" episode of social withdrawal and depression in Australia, when he went there for school. He made it sound like he was merely homesick, but I found out much later that he'd suffered a depressive relapse, complete with diagnosis and medication.

3. We sought treatment immediately, and he's been semi-faithful to his treatment regimen. For 1 year, he took medication, went to counseling sessions, and saw his psychiatrist every month. However, it didn't really seem to make much improvement, so after we did everything we could possibly do here in America, we all (me, him, his family, my family) decided it would be best if he went back to Korea to get treatment in his own language and be in an environment that he's familiar and comfortable with...

We've been wrestling with his depression. I have to admit...it's the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life, and I've gone through some crazy things. I suppose it's because this is completely out of my control and, no matter what I do, it is ultimately out of my hands.

Eventually, I began to feel hopeless and exhausted, stressed out, filled with anxiety about our future and lives together. I then began thinking of divorce, and eventually, death. Not that I was suicidal...but I would think thoughts like, "If I got into a car accident, I hope no one pulls me from the wreck. Just let me slip away." It scared me because I hadn't wanted to give up on life like that since I was a teenager, during which time I was the victim of sexual assault over a period of years.

I was also frightened for my husband, because while he's here in America, he seemed to have a block in terms of recovery. When he went back to Korea, he improved noticeably - he's not 100%, but he was more active in a 2-month time frame than he'd been in the year that he'd gotten depressed here.

Everyone, from my family to even pastors (yes, I'm Christian) told me that divorce could be a viable option for us, not because we don't love each other, but because we may just be toxic to each other. In other words, my husband coming to America and staying here may cause him to stay depressed and not be able to recover. I, on the other hand, cannot move to Korea.

I refused to think about divorce for the longest time - I thought that divorcing him would be abandoning him because of his illness. And I loved - still love - him. But one person put it this way: "By keeping him with you, you're forcing him to stay in this country. He's obviously better in the short time that he was in Korea. And when he's with you, you start to fade away and become a hopeless person who no longer wants to live. You are slowly killing each other. If you love him, and yourself, let him go."

It's agonizing to think of divorcing my husband. We love each other dearly. But if I'm hurting him by keeping him with me, and hurting myself as well...is divorce really THE option for us...?

I'm pretty confused and wrecked inside. Any input would be helpful.

Thank you.