I smashed my $1500. lap top to bits. I just lost it. It wouldn't boot up properly and I just couldn't take another stressor and before I knew it I was smashing it on the floor until it flew apart.Too many things one on top of the other. I couldn't cope anymore.

First thing this morning I went searching through an old truck looking for my mother's will. My brother needs it and my aunt thinks I have a copy. My mother passed away 28 years ago but I said I would look.

I haven't opened that truck for years and years. It is full of old family pics and my old journals. I made the mistake of reading some of them. Every where I opened one of them was another horror story. Reminders of things better forgotten. I knew it wasn't good for me but what I did read began to haunt me.

Leaving everything out of the truck I went into my office to check old boxes stored in a closet. I came across old work files. Reminders of days when I was productive. It was all very dated and I knew it was crazy for me to keep hanging on to them. I started to go through them and throw them away. It was heart breaking. Every time I threw something away it felt like I was riping out a piece of my heart.

I knew I should stop and take a break but I was afraid I had already gone too long and if I stopped I was going to loose it. I pulled myself away anyways to make some lunch and escape to the garden. I didn't make it there before my son pressed me to take him up town. I should have put him off but I didn't. Instead I delayed taking care of myself.

The phone rang for my son after we made it back home and we were having lunch. He was offered a job but he declined because he was hoping for a different job instead. I was livid but couldn't say a word because I couldn't let myself get worked up about anything more. I knew I was on the edge of exploding or melting down and if I opened my mouth I would regret it.

After lunch I still wasn't ready to go back to the messes of paper piles I had made and thought it would be good to come on line for a while. I probably should have gone to the garden to have a quiet time to settle myself down but instead I ended up loosing it and destroying my laptap and few other things in my room before falling on my bed clawing at myself, punching at the wall and walling uncontrollably.

I am a mess and now so is my house and I still am no closer to that will.