Thanks. Yes, I will start in the garden tomorrow. I was just out there now for a bit but the wind is very loud today. It wasn't relaxing to be out there. I am still so on edge and too tired to do the work of settling myself down. My son is locked in his room. Just as well. I am too embarassed to look at him right now.

The timing of this is so so bad too. My ex is due to arrive for a few days on Saturday. I have been in good shape up till now. He is expecting me to have a dozen shirts made for him to sell for me and I haven't even cut them out yet. He won't be impressed. Nor am I feeling like I am going to be in any shape to have him around right now. It has been more than a year since he has been for a visit. Friends are also do for a dinner while he is here. I never socialize but thought since I was doing well that I would be up for it.

I need to not think about so many things right now. I need to pull back and breath and regroup somehow. Do the work. Reframe my brain.

I need the wind to stop so I can go back outside. I can't stand to look at all the messes I have made and I am too wasted to try to clean it all up. What I would give to be able to just zone out for a while.

I will be okay. I will work myself back to sanity here eventually. I just needed to babble for a while. Let it out so I can let it go and try again. I am just so dissappointed with myself and so sick and tired of being a nut job. It is what it is I guess.