Well, as far as the laptop, unless you are genie or something it's over and done with. It sucks, but hey, its better than hurting yourself more than you already did. I hate for you to feel so very upset right now. I wish there were something I could do to help you. I really like you and I just hurt to know that you are hurting like you are.
As far as the ex coming to town: First off, you don't have to impress him. Ok, you didn't finish the shirts. It's not the end of the world. Maybe you could spend some quite time tomorrow working on one or two--IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT. Otherwise, oh well, he doesn't get the shirts. It's OK.
Don't be embarrassed about things you do in front of your son. He's plenty old enough to understand you are under distress and you coped with a situation badly, but that's ok too. He may be "locked" in his room because he feels you want space. Maybe tomorrow you could break down some of the things that need to be done before his father (I'm assuming your ex is his dad) comes to town. This way everything isn't put on you and he can feel like he's helping you, which I am sure will make him feel better. I know when I am in breakdown mode, even my 9 year old knows something's wrong and he always tries to do things he thinks would please me. Maybe giving him some tasks that will help you and get you two working together without the "embarrassment" stuff will help you both feel better about the situation. Maybe while you are preparing for the dinner party, the two of you can talk about things while doing the work? Obviously you don't need to tell him EVERYTHING, but you could talk about breaking the laptop and how it made you feel badly in retrospect, but that you were just incredibly frustrated at the moment. I'm sure he's done similar things (if not to that extent), I bet everyone has.
And last of all (for my novel length response), YOU ARE OK. You are a good person and you seem to be struggling really hard right now. I know you don't do meds, but I cannot remember if you have a therapist or not. If you don't and you want someone to chat with/talk to, please feel free to pm me. I would be more than happy to listen to any ranting you want to get out without being judgmental in the least bit.
ps
Quote:
Originally Posted by sanityseeker
Thanks. Yes, I will start in the garden tomorrow. I was just out there now for a bit but the wind is very loud today. It wasn't relaxing to be out there. I am still so on edge and too tired to do the work of settling myself down. My son is locked in his room. Just as well. I am too embarassed to look at him right now.
The timing of this is so so bad too. My ex is due to arrive for a few days on Saturday. I have been in good shape up till now. He is expecting me to have a dozen shirts made for him to sell for me and I haven't even cut them out yet. He won't be impressed. Nor am I feeling like I am going to be in any shape to have him around right now. It has been more than a year since he has been for a visit. Friends are also do for a dinner while he is here. I never socialize but thought since I was doing well that I would be up for it.
I need to not think about so many things right now. I need to pull back and breath and regroup somehow. Do the work. Reframe my brain.
I need the wind to stop so I can go back outside. I can't stand to look at all the messes I have made and I am too wasted to try to clean it all up. What I would give to be able to just zone out for a while.
I will be okay. I will work myself back to sanity here eventually. I just needed to babble for a while. Let it out so I can let it go and try again. I am just so dissappointed with myself and so sick and tired of being a nut job. It is what it is I guess.
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