I think when somebody reaches a point where they just can't carry on like they have been doing anymore, it's an excellent place to begin change (an inner change mostly, but outer things change when you change within).

I have a 9 year history of mental illness, and in the end, I had just had enough! I had recovered for a few months, but I knew that it would come back because nothing had changed on the inside, I had the same thoughts, the same low self esteem, the same self hatred. And so then I made the most important decision I've probably ever made - to change (It's still something new to me so I'm not claiming to know it all )

Your thoughts are very negative, which I understand, but... you said you hate yourself. Why? What is so bad about you? I think that's just a sort of, broken thought. You're not so unlikeble that you deserve to be hated, not by anyone, even yourself. Why don't you try being kind to yourself instead? You've obviously had things rough, maybe the one person who you need to care - is you.