Thank you much guys. I did not do self harm - it did help just posting here. I know it is not anything wrong T did. It is my junk and stuff that gets in my way most of the time. I just have to know my limits and not push them. So this AM I woke up and once again have that safe emotional distance from T and the world around me.. my buffer space. I guess that is just what I need to do to stay safe. It is sad for me to realize this, but the pain of actual trust is too much for me. Thank you again.