All you guys are so awesome. I keep reading your replies over and over and thinking about them.

This AM I woke up and felt the emotional distance again. My comfortable SAFE place. I know T cares. I know the stuff is on my end. He never replied to the email so I know he won't. But it is OK. I do feel the door of trust shut last night when I went to bed. I don't think I will ever do THAT again. Not to that extent. Rainbow, I really think you are right - that I did a test I knew he would not pass. I knew if the email was deep that silence was the response. And I knew if he did not respond that I would use it as fuel to shut the door that I was so afraid to have open. I feel like such a little kid inside with all this. I think I will just give myself some space from therapy stuff and just not think about it at all until next session. Who knows what kind of person I will be by that time (next Wed).

Thank you all again. Very much.