TY Byz, Rhian, And Sanity, I'm reading this through my salty tears, so please excuse typos. You guys have been a great support to me. I'll try to explain some of the stressers of late.

In 2003 I got my SSDI after fighting for it for almost 2 yrs. During that process there were some major changes in our relationship. He stopped being affectionate, and was always the iniciator, when it came to sex. But in 2005 it stopped completely, no sex since I caught him cheating.

But I only have myself to blame for that because I new all the signs from previous relationships. No, but I could fix him, and this relationship. I wasn't going to give up, and just walk away this time. That's what I've done in the past, walked away without a fight, and lost everything, including my children. But I was very sick going into this relationship, which I should have just stuck to my guns, and stayed away.

But anyway can't change the past, I have tryed to forgive him and build the trust once again but I can't seem to do that. I became very depressed over the past few yrs. and now with the way the economy is, he's very lucky to even have ajob. But they changed his shift, cut his hours, we lost our renters, and I now have to pay for my medicare. So the stress of trying to stay afloat has affected both of us.

But he is not one to sit down and say hey we need to talk. No, he turns to the bottle and keeps everything inside, and I know from past experiences that I if I approach him and try to talk to him about this it will either end up in an arguement, which will turn out badly...or he will just ignore me. Either way nothing is resloved.
I just can't take this anymore.

My life is always so dramatic. When I read back some of my diaries I feel like I'm reading a novel. This can't be my life, it so sad and dramatic. All the trama! Not that I'm looking for pitty. I'm searching for away out of this nightmare, that never seems to end.
I'm drowning and trying to swim with this heavy weight on my back, I'm tired and can't breath, I can see the shoreline, but fear I can't make it. I am trying but,am barely staying afloat. I need a life preseve if I'm going to make it.