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Tonight sitting here silent once again, the mind almost shutting down from any words that could be spoken does it really matter or is this just kidding ourselves? Sometimes it feel as though there is no hope trying to hide feelings and emotions from even herself. How can someone recover from things too unspeakable? How can someone be strong even in the face of terror and silence that no one ever knew bout? How can such evil exist but no one knows or even suspects until it is too later to even care? Why is it that when a child is raised in a place of total terror and evil that the adult that becomes from that child somehow needs to be strong and in that strength hides because that is all they have ever known to do?
Sometimes tears fall out of nowhere when no one is around and it is only then one can allow those tears to be shed so no one else can see. The threats are still alive and speak volumes that no one will ever know. To reach out is harder than anyone knows, for to all within the threats begin to scream once again at a volume that not even one that is closest can hear. Words many times are spoken in the silence when no one has any idea they are being spoken to. It is there that the secrets are told and revealed when no one is able to hear and time does not exist except in the mind of those within. The adult is not even there mostly, as the adult cannot take what all within are telling, at least not all.
Sometimes breathing becomes fast as the memories are spoken and it seems as though once again time is no longer where she is, but back to the time where the evil took place. And those within know what is going to take place even though the adult does not. Many times those within are too afraid to allow anyone to really see what is going on as the threats scream louder than anyone who tells them that it will be okay. What happens to those within when the threats still remain alive and screaming out as clearly as when they were first made? To those outside it seems easy to refuse to believe but to those within they are real and maybe much more real than anyone knows. It is so hard for her to tell anyone when a call or someone comes to the door.
To her she feels as though she is failing if someone calls or still comes. The fear still remains no matter whether she tells or not, a fear of both failure and betrayal. Those within are trying to stay back and they are getting better but at times it is almost as if nothing stops. She is afraid to tell anyone anything anymore. Words they can reach out and allow others to know but at the same time they can also hurt and make others mad. Sometimes not saying anything seems to be the best for all. It is only words but they can do more damage than anyone knows. They sometimes cut deeper than anything and to tell anything causes harm to everyone.
Will it ever stop or will she go to her grave afraid? She hates herself more than anyone knows more than anyone needs to. Sometimes nothing makes sense at all and maybe it is supposed to be that way. Nothing ever made sense anyway so why now? A little girl lost without anyone ever knowing and time just played on without stopping for a little girl who only knew those that hurt with evil intent. Whether perfect or good she was bad, whether silent or quiet she was heard. No matter what she did it was not right or it was not something that really happened, as that is what they told her to make her doubt and question her very self. If she doubt and questions how much more does anyone outside of all within doubt and question?
Those within are still asking many times is it okay to tell because what if it did not happen what if we only really dreamed it? Things happened but those that would do it when she was little would tell her it was a bad dream that nothing happened and that they were there for her. Confusion and questions constant in ones mind of did or did it not take place? When you are little and told constantly that it was only a dream then later when you are a little older drugs used to make things seem unreal or like you are in a dream state but later as you begin to get back those memories if it did not take place why are we so afraid? Why do the body memories scream out louder than dreams and why do the marks come and disappear if nothing ever happened?
They did not want her to ever remember, this is why those within are there to step in and stop any process or moving forward. No one was ever supposed to get that close to the truth, she was not supposed to ever get to the place where she trusted anyone and no one was supposed to ever listen or believe. Truth is it did happen and those of us deep within hold those truths safe where they are known. She is not lying nor is she making anything up. We know for we are the ones that pulled everything within deep to keep her from any harm. We made sure that she made it through whatever was thrown at her and pulled back all feelings and tears to a place safe until it was time to allow those tears to fall for the first time.
Even now sometimes we are not real sure it is safe yet so we sometimes pull them back within to where once again we know they are safe and many times we hold silent her voice so that she is safe. She looks with saddened eyes filled with tears that we are holding back to keep silent those things that would hurt her. She feels so hurt and so afraid but does anyone feel this or can they detect the sadness within the silence that screams out louder than any voice could do? If allowed would you even care anyways or would you even not get angry because she cannot be like you or anyone else? She is hurting and we know it and we will keep her safe at any cost.
She worries as does many within for those that she cares for. Sometimes telling over and over to please be careful and to please lock your doors. This is not a game but real for her and all within. Does anyone really hear or get it? Does anyone care how much this effects not only those within but her? All she knows is what they are capable of and what they threaten, that is all she has known all her life. Does anything really matter? For to others it is just stupid and something that is not real. For others it is words, just words. But for all of us it is much more than words. Much more than just feelings and truths, it is what it was. Her heart many times cries out in a voice no one hears. Such silence as once a child was who was not to be heard unless spoken to.
For you, all you see is the tears that surface fall but none of the deep-bedded tears we are all crying within her. To allow those tears to fall would make her so vulnerable and one to turn away as to see the hurts and destruction in her eyes. Are you really here for the count or are you walking away? Sometimes it feels as though no one is here or caring to be. We are not like others that can somehow manage their feelings and be able to share in a conversation without thought. Each word spoken is something that is not taken lightly. Maybe we will always be weary of any person that we take a risk to reach out to. Why would we trust someone with these things that are so deep within that if you were to hear them you would turn away? That is what they always said and words speak so loud when there is life to keep.
Do you not think that we would give anything to be able to reach and to feel and to know that some are really safe? Do you not think that for the first time we would love to love someone and believe that love really exists? What makes love exists? What makes ones words understandable? Are there more meanings to words than even we know? Does love have different meanings and standards? And whom do the different standards belong to? When one says they care and walks away is that caring?
Can someone tell us what love means or what love is? And can we still trust you? We all want to know.
Echoes of dps
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