Thanks Suga. Since seventyeight posed the question I have been thinking about my decision to give up on meds and therapy quite a bit. I tend to go in circles with this. When things get too tough I want help but when I look at my options I land back at square one. I am pretty non med compliant, biologically and psychologically so finding meds that could help me isn't the work of a light weight. The one pdoc within an hours drive only does the diagnosis and reviews sripts. He is not a very chatty guy anyways.

The only therapists that I don't have to pay for out of pocket are through mental health services and limited to 8 visits. Had my guy not left I would have been cut off soon enough anyways as it turns out. Other options for doctors mean trips into the city and it would be counter productive because of the stress of those trips. No matter how I think of it I end up at square one with me doing what I have been doing to learn all I can to respond the best I can one episode at a time.

Add to that the crap shoot of it all and I end up figuring I am better off not playing the game. When I have a period of normal I am glad I am not on meds. When I have an episode I wonder if I could have prevented it or made the trip through it easier if I were on meds. I don't think I will ever have a complete answer to that. I witness people on meds struggling just as much as I do without them and that makes me wonder too. I know there are folks for whom meds are working but they seem fewer and farther between.

It is so individual which only adds to the challenge and complications. I end up feeling so stressed about it I have to just opt out completely to find my power again. Trust and dependancy are not my strong suit.

I hope sharing my own dilemma is helpful to you seventyeight. I don't mean to highjack your thread with my personal story.