I've been sitting here for a while. Thinking, thinking oh so very hard.

And I've finally realized that some of the things I've been doing in my life are a result of the domestic violence I witnessed as a child.

I think I've finally realized that my mother is emotionally unavailable. She said something odd to me in the car yesterday when I asked her why she didnt re-marry when she divorced my father. she told me she didnt want to "help someone along" like she did my dad, because she got nothing out of it.

I guess I've always felt like she wasn't really listening to me whenever I'd try to talk to her about something. She's always thinking about Yoga, or bills. And as a child she'd always order me around instead of sitting down and speaking to me as though I were a sensible being.

When I went away to college, she would never email me. I'd go weeks without talking to her and it began to make me feel like no one gave a ****. When I did talk to her, her mind was constantly elsewhere, she'd constantly cut the conversations short and the only thing she'd be concerned about was how my grades were.

I mean she's always told me that she loved me and that she just wants me to be happy. But if...if I stand back mentally and look at how she treats others, I get the sense that something is wrong. She's not very inviting to guests and has got this strange-non-commital relationship going with a guy for over 9 years.

She doesn't really understand the concept of friendship. She lets them lapse and isolates herself from others. As do I. I never realized how I'd mimic my mother's behavior until now.

Maybe all of this is just me realizing that i am a seperate being from my mother. Maybe it's a sign that I am growing-up emotionally.

Before, I couldn't even describe my mom emotionally. I'd try to think about it and no words would come to mind.

I'm just sitting here thinking aloud. I know my mother loves me, as best she can. And I know my mom's mom was always absent during my mother's childhood because she was so busy taking care of the family buisness.

Effects of Domestic Violence:

-Depression
-Withdrawal
-Difficulty Trusting (especially men)

Oh this describes me lol.

I can't let myself become emotionally withdrawn like my mom, like I have been for years. I can't let the effects of my father's abuse win. I just cant. It'd give him too much satisfaction.

I can't be dependant on others. I can't be withdrawn like I have been for years. I have to fix my bad self-esteem.

Now I know why I've feared the world for so long. I've been viewing the world as a mirror of my early-childhood's environment. Subconsciously I've concluded that since my early childhood environment was so unstable, that this is how the world is as well. I've always feared the outside world, thinking it was full of people that wanted to abuse/hurt me. This is why I've gone kicking and screaming at changes in my life (which inevitably occur as a result of societies requirement to grow up).

As a child I am sure we learn from our parents how to build relationships. This must be why I've seen a trend of abusive relationships in my life.

Oh my god...

I feel bad now. I feel horrible towards all the people I've pushed away, the way I've been hot-cold. The way I've emotionally shut down slowly over the years in order to protect myself.

Bad self-esteem....have you resulted from my inability as a child to calm my environment?

As a child I used to always dress up in camoflague or go fishing with my father, an obvious effort to try and please him. But it was never enough, he still acted abusive...and maybe, just....maybe I felt as though it was something I had done wrong that caused him to act like this, that I wasn't a good person, that, I was inherently inadequate.

Is this an answer that has eluded me for years? Is this it? Is it?

*wonders*

I have emptied the contents of my mind at this current-time.

Feed-back is appreciated.