(((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))

I thought about you a lot today. Learning to trust T - and moving in and out of trusting/shutting down - is so incredibly painful.

T told me that it's okay to put my wall back up when I need to. Learning to trust and be vulnerable after a lifetime of being hurt, badly, is more difficult than I have the words for. It's absolutely been the hardest thing about my therapy. By far. (and there are about a zillion posts on PC documenting it all in excruciating detail )

I tried to think today of how I moved through it...and I think, truly, all I did was keep showing up and being honest. I went back and forth and back and forth and back and forth for years....but slowly, over time, the trusting times got longer, and the wall times got shorter. For me, it took TIME - I had to experience T being there and being trustworthy over and over and over and over again. And when he made a mistake, I had to experience what it felt like to move forward WITH T, even if I had to do it with armor on and walls up for a while.

Here is a little hope for you...T leaves me messages after every appointment. I saw him yesterday morning, and he didn't leave a message yesterday, which was weird. Then today, he didn't call this morning, didn't call all day, didn't call in the afternoon. I finally called and left a message and said "did you forget about me?" and he finally called this afternoon and said that he had written notes about what he wanted to say and thought about "the perfect message" in his head...and then didn't call, because in his mind, he thought he had actually already LEFT the message. LOL And then he left my message, and it was really nice.

A year ago - even a few months ago - I PROMISE you I would have made up so many stories that felt SO REAL - that T wanted to get rid of me, that I was too needy, that I asked for too much, that T didn't care after all, that T was angry at me (etc. etc. etc.). Today, there was NO story. At all. I just called and he left me a message laughing about his mistake and his laugh made me laugh and it was okay. That is SO far from how I would have felt during the first 2 years (or more) of therapy. And I may go back to the walled off place still, but I spend WAY more time in this place. It really can get better.

I'm sorry it's SO SO hard, WePow. It won't be this hard forever.