Sannah - no... I will not contact T about this. I may tell him about it in a few months long after the pain is past. I tend to do that and he kinda looks at me with a funny expression like "What took you so long to tell me?" Suppose it is just the way I keep safe. When I was a child, my mom said that if we got hurt, she would spank us. So we tried very hard to never tell our folks when we were hurt. I cut my finger one morning before church (was trying to find out what was on the inside of a golf ball - lol ) and I was in real pain - I should have had stitches. But I hid my hand all during church services. Then my folks decided it would be a great day to go to the fun park. UGG! I was just acting like I was having the time of my life but it hurt so much. I didn't say a single word. It was only years later when my mom was asking me why I had a line growing on my thumbnail that I told her what happened.

My childhood is full of stories like that from my brothers as well. Once my baby brother got his finger caught in the car door when we were going to church. He was only 7. But he didn't cry or say a peep. When we got to church, he was almost blue from holding his breath and when my mom opened the car door, his finger was purple. He was ok. But that was just how things were.

((((tree)))) thank you tons. Thank you all for your help. I really am so glad to have you all. It will be ok - I know that. I just am learning how he is and I was so exposed in that email. It still hurts on the inside three days later. But the wall is up so it is not as bad. I ended up drinking too much last night trying to erase the pain - which never works - uggg. But this was one of the hardest things emotionally I ever went through in therapy. Yesterday I was even jumping (like a PTSD response) at any blue truck I saw - that is what T drives. I was flinching!!!

At least today I am calmer and colder about it all. I get to spend the day with my best friend and go to the movies, so that will be cool. I am so sad about her though because she is really my only best friend and her brother has untreatable cancer and will pass soon. And she may be loosing her job. And she might have to move across the state to be with her folks. Uggg!!

I am really so strange about getting hurt on the inside. Even with my best friend (of 21 yrs now) - we were close emotionally and then about 6 yrs ago I needed her once in a very bad way - something that I hardly ever did - I needed to talk to her. But she is kinda closed off sometimes too and keeps to a schedule with stuff. But she could not come meet me to talk. That one thing broke something inside me with her. She is still my best friend - since I really do not have any friends. But I never again asked her to meet me like that - and I stopped sharing myself with her. Now I see her and we do stuff together sometimes, but it is like she is a stranger to me on the inside. I just shoved her out... all over one "silly" thing.

Maybe on Wed I will talk with T about that issue. Maybe that will show him that when I do get broken of how it just doesn't get fixed. That ability for me to trust is so fragile. I want to trust my friend again and open up to her again, but it is broken deep inside of me and I can't force the door open. That is what this feels like with T. And it makes me sad because I kinda did need a T in my life. And I will not start over again with some new T - it will just end up this same way anyway. It is something wrong with ME on the inside that I just am too sensitive to things like that I suppose.

Thank you all again so so so much!!!!