My Support Forums - View Single Post

LivingMiracle · Jul 17, 2010, 10:24 AM

First off I don't know where to post this so feel free to move it

Secondly I just need to talk this out somewhere.
So here goes,

I got kicked out of my mothers house the day after mother's day and that was fine with me, I was tired of getting beat up and all the mind games. She was so mad that I got my things and just left without making a scene that she called the cops and said I was kidnapped by my mate. The cop said big deal because I am an adult but she told the cops that I was ruled incompetent by the court system. The cop didn't ask for proof of this but yet decided to get a warrant out for my mate. Well, we ended up meeting with the police after she and my grandfather threatened to kill him and me. The cops said that it wasn't really an issue because that she is just making threats from anger, so he said they aren't really serious. We got the warrant dropped that day as well.

Shortly after the quarter in college ended and I made a 3.974. I was feeling pretty good about this. Even what I had went through that quarter with all the drama I managed to get the highest GPA I have ever got before. A few days later, I was accepted in the LPN program. I should be happy about this and I was at the time; however I'm not anymore.

I have hit so many road blocks trying to get financial aid that it honestly just doesn't feel like all the stress is worth it. In the end I will probably end up having 3 out of the 4 semesters payed for and will have to take out a loan for about $1500. To some this seems like nothing, to me its just not worth going. I don't want to have that over my head, that I owe someone something, its already haunting me and I haven't even looked into it with the school's financial aid person.

Here's the hold up. I down, I am really down. I don't want to be like this anymore. I have fallen for the last time and realized is it really worth getting back up? I honestly don't know.

Most of my littles are so angry and hurting deep within. I can feel their pain and hear their cries. My moods are getting all out of whack. I am higher than the sky then within minutes I drop down to this, six feet under the ground. I am tired of hanging on to this crazy ride. I am sick of going to sleep and waking up screaming and crying because I am reliving my past in my sleep. I am tired of never getting rest. Taking a shower or going outside is a major fear. I panic every day when I go to take a shower because I am scared that he will come in. I haven't taken one in a few days now, I want to but I'm scared. I am scared to go outside by myself because I am afraid that he and my mother working together now to get capture me and hurt me. Its just not safe to. I can't find a safe place at the new house. I just want to disappear, to be invisible, to just be gone from the face of the earth. I am tired of waiting and feeling this way.

I know in my gut that I need to get help, and soon, but guess what? School starts in a week. I can't get help with school starting now.

I do have a psychologist but I could never tell him this. He would look at me and call the doctor to get a referral ready. We pretty much just sit there during a normal session anyway cause I don't like to tell him things in fear of going to the hospital. I just can't afford to go to the hospital now, including financially. I only get so much money for SSI each month, then to pay rent, food, and utilities. I only have medicaid and that doesn't cover much.

Yes, I am on meds but to be honest I haven't been taking them properly, its only abilify. Sometimes I feel so good that I don't think I need to take them. Then when I get down again and think that was dumb to stop taking them. When I am down I can't take them cause I wonder if they are coated with something.

Now, after sitting down and writing all this I have realized something else. How am I supposed to get through this first semester feeling like this? I don't honestly know. I guess I am gonna have to put on a happy face during school then come home every day and have a total breakdown from holding it in. After that I will be such a mess that I can't work on homework and get it done so I will just go to bed and lay there until the alarm clock goes off. So I will get up the next morning at 3 am crying once again and doing my struggling to get my homework like I have always done. Then get to class and realize I forgot about the quiz and spend the next few minutes in the bathroom getting sick because I panic when I get tested, even if it doesn't count towards anything. It shouldn't be this way but I guess it has to be.

...Ignore me, ignore this. It's me being a baby once again. I just needed to think things out for a minute.