So... I've been very numb lately. It's not an unfamiliar space by any means, but this is (for it is inaccurate to even say "feels") far more extreme. Typically when I'm depressed, there's a lot of rumination, "seeing" things in my mind and I actively feel... it's kind of hard to describe, but it's very visceral, like... silently screaming into the void. Pain. Despair. This is not like that. It's clearly some kind of depression, but I realized that I'm having a very hard time ranking it on my mood charts. It's like I can't even feel it enough to gauge it. I've been trying to define this state, and mostly I've come up with: Defeated. Invisible. Non existant. But this morning it became a bit clearer. I'm overwhelmed, yet underwhelmed. Nothing seems real anymore and my mind has disengaged.
I realized I've lost even desperation.

Perhaps even any grip on reality. I've lost sense of where it is anymore. But then I'm not sure. What is the delusion? Is there one? With ruminations, I can sometimes catch the illness part of my brain in action, and try with any remaining logical bits to battle it. Rarely succesfully, but I try. I don't know what I'd aim at anymore or which parts are real. Or what they're even saying in there. The grip is so tenuous, perception so fleeting it's hard to focus enough to hear it. So this morning, in one of those moments, this realization, the lack of even desperation, became clear, so here it is. I can usually respond to others' things (IRL too), but my own? They're such a vapor.

I have an appointment with an NMHNP (psych nurse practitioner, it's the best I could do, inexpressibly frustrating details written elsewhere) on August 10. I was seeing this as a very small light, but now I don't even care.

(Wasn't sure whether to put a trigger icon on this post. The momentary clarity, at least enough to describe this in some kind of detail (which is so ironic), might be problematic, so...)