Good point Blue. I agree. Human interaction is preferable. I guess like most things its a question of balance. I suspect in large part because I was let down by people so much when I needed them I learned to not lean on people. I became the giver but not the receiver. I was the go to person for anyone who had a problem that needed fixing but I never asked for any of the same kindnesses back. I became a master at evasion should anyone try to comfort or help me when I was exhibiting a symptom. My life was a closed book.

I think what happens when you live your life that way you tend to attract people who prefer to take and not give. Times when I would attempt to lean did not go well. Their patience with me wained pretty quickly. I received a lot of lip service but not much substance behind the rhetoric. To be fair I probably didn't make it easy for them. My efforts to open up would still be guarded behind a wall of defensive fear. I didn't make it easy for people to care about me. I would avoid people I may have in a moment of weakness disclosed something. The vulnerability frightened me.

My family recently has reached out to me and offered to be supportive. They want to understand what this bi polar is all about and how it impacts my life. They want to be here for me and make things easier for me. Part of me wants to trust them but their history with sticking through hard times isn't very encouraging. They abandoned me before when I was the only one left to care for my mother. I know the final demonstration of forgiveness is for me to trust them to do better with me this time but I am still hesitant.

My sister has been around a bit the last little while. She sent a 'how are you' email last night. I was tempted to offer the non answer reassurances but I decided I would test the waters instead. I recounted some of my weeks lesser moments to show her how rocky the road can get. That probably wasn't fair now that I think about it. Showing her the uglies isn't the same as asking for help. It isn't like I give her some clue as to how she can support me. That is what they have been asking lately.

They had a secret meeting a week or so ago. The purpose was to talk about how they can help me. What can they do to support me. The news of the meeting didn't sit well with me at first but then I thought I should be touched at least that they seemed to care enough to want to help. Pushing my fears and doubts aside to give their express of love and concern validity I still hit a blank when asked to answer that for them.

When I am in crisis a part of me wants to pick up the phone and talk to someone but then I don't because I don't want to cause them pain. They can't really do anything to help me. I just have to whether the storm until it passes. It just seems like unnecessary cruelty to expose them to my ugly moments.

Anyways.... sorry for the babbling. I guess I am really trying to sort this all out right now. Not reaching out to people has become so much my norm for most of my 56 years of life that I don't really know how to do it differently. A part of me knows I should and that there are people who will listen and care. I just really don't know how. I think I know that the hurts that caused me to close down to people could still be opened up and I really don't want to go there. I just don't feel well enough to go there. A bit of a catch 22 I guess.

Geesh... there I go rambling some more. Clearly I have issues. lol.

I appreciate your comments blue. They are definately on target with where things are with me currently. Wishing you well.