Ho.ly.Cow. THIS. And like sanityseeker was saying, when you do it for so many years, it gets to be an ingrained reflex. The facade. Yes. Learned it early, learned it well. Too well. And besides the social implications, I've found that mentally it's had major repercussions as well. When one is diagnosed so late, had so little interaction with any mental health resources/system *and* a really hardcore facade? People tend to think it must not be so serious. Like somehow you haven't hit the unspoken "markers". Your paper trail is insufficient. Outside of outside, which is an extremely lonely place to be. (and another reason I love the forums so.)

But WHY is this so? How did this come to be? Facade, facade, facade. Never reaching out no matter how bad it got, denial, self-blame, all the "unpleasantries" of living with what was deemed my clearly defective self swept under the rug by everyone around me? Yeah. That. And so much was me, convinced that I was just a horrible person and not even worthy of help. So when others turned their backs, I just assumed they were right to do so. Help is something one gets when one has people that give a damn enough or when they think enough of themselves to do it. Basically, it's bitten me in the *** and created a lot of wasted years when I could've gotten help. It's definitely not that it wasn't really bad, it was just soooo in the closet. (And more than a little luck not being hauled in over any public flip out.)

Sanityseeker, rambling-schmabling. I don't know how to do it any differently either. Too many years of "practice". Catch-22 indeed.