Perna, thank you for your reply. That is what I also see... I know he is doing like what my parents did and doing things that are going to make me stronger in the long run. That was the story of my life. "I will do this and you will be hurt but you will learn from it and then you will be stronger, so I am hurting you for your own good."

It would have taken just a few words from him to have changed things. I was there - ready to give all and trust. He told me several times to trust him. Just like others in my life. I should have learned from the past to not trust anyone for any reason at all. But I thought I would give it one last shot.

I don't blame him at all... or my parents... or anyone but me. It was MY fault I allowed myself to be that open and exposed, even while knowing full well what I was risking. I just can't believe that after all I have been through in life that I was that gullible yet again. Too many people have come and gone in my life and it has always been the same thing = You may not like how you feel about this relationship, but you will be a stronger person afterwards. I remember my abusive ex-husband flat out telling me that even "You know why I am hurting you don't you? Because you are too weak to stand up for yourself. If I hurt you, you will eventually fight back. I will have made you into a stronger person."

I know T is not doing anything he thinks would harm me. And it is not him doing anything wrong. I just did need him and he could not or would not give me what I needed. It was not a want this time. But that is ok too. His silence just allowed me to see that I was seriously mistaken to even attempt to trust another human on that deep of a level. So I learned from this a reminder of my own life lesson - to not ever allow anyone that close to the true me. So that lesson will keep me safe I suppose.

Can't explain it well. It just is what it is. I feel foolish and very childish because I did get hurt.. because I forgot all the lessons I learned from the past on self protection... because I allowed him to talk me into letting down that guard and that was the dumbest thing I have done in years.