Hi Innerzone. Thanks for joining the discussion that seems to have come out of my account of a bad day.

I wonder if we shouldn't just abandon the Why questions and move courageously into the What Now. We may already know enough of the whys and still even face them day in and day out one way or another.

I was very slow off the mark going for medical attention for what eventually got packaged as bi polar. Suicide attempts aside not much of my erratic behaviours were taken very seriously. People enjoyed my mania and chalked my depressions to burn out because I pushed myself so hard when I was flying high. No one knew about bi polar or manic depression as it was called years ago. It wasn't until my thyroid went out of wack that my doctor put two and two together. But it doesn't much matter to me what it is called or what all the compliimentary disorders that fit my profile are named, treatment is still difficult and with rapid cycling my norm everyday offers its own issues to manage.

Today it is hyper anxiety that has a grip on me. I am exhausted from the effort of keeping it under control. I go from one relaxation exercise to another. One quiet contemplation to another. One tried and true anti anxiety trick after the other. It is wearing me out but if I loose focus it will get out of hand.

Thinking about this discussion I am challenged to consider how could someone help me cope instead of me doing what I do alone. Would it help to talk to someone? Would it help if someone came over and distracted me for a while? How could someone help me manage coping with all this anxiety.

It is the thought of my ex arriving sometime today or tomorrow that is partially feeding the anxiety. The need to perform when I am cycling so much these days has me quite anxious. He can be very supportive but he can also be very unsupportive. I never know what to expect. I should be sewing some shirts he is expecting me to have ready for him but I just don't feel up to it these days. One thing or another keeps getting in my way.

It is the thought of people coming for dinner while my ex is visiting that is also adding to my feelings of anxiety. I hate it when I make plans. I usually don't but that day I was feeling good and the invitation just slipped out.

How do I learn to lean on people when all I every really want to do is avoid people. When the thought of being around people sets off anxiety. Back to the catch 22 explanation.

If I answer people honestly when they ask how I am doing or how I am feeling I too often get those answers like 'Oh I get that way sometimes, you should just.....' Then I feel like crap since their remedy doesn't seem to work for me and the conclusion is that I am self absorbed and like to feel sorry for myself or I blow things out of preportion and make mountains out of mole hills. And if yI dare to drop the bi polar word their eyes pop wide and they back away as though they worry I might slit their throat or something. Pleeease people.... leave me alone!!

Still I guess a part of me wants to hold out hope and open myself up to the possibility that there just might be one or two people in my life, like Blue found in hers, that do care enough and can somehow be of help to me. It seems a journey I am being confronted with to take.

Asking for help may be hard and a break from the learned norm but like Blue says if the tables were turned we'd be right there to offer a helping hand so we should trust that there will be people there for us if we take the step towards them.

Keep on keepin on Innerzone.