I've completely lost it, I genuinely think i'm going more mad then i already am.
I dont understand why i havnt let go completely, its not making a lot of sense.
Every second of every hour of every day I keep feeling it, the vast emptiness inside of me, the deafening sounds in my head that i cant silence.
I just want to let it all, i want to start that lovely pure addiction again, to really let the blood flow, to really push the limit of what i can stand.

I feel like i'm standing on the edge of that comforting abyss of the calmness it gives me, ready to jump all the way back in so i cant fall any further.

Those times when i completely leave myself and find myself inside my head with thousands of flying insects everywhere, blocking everything, causing havoc.

I want that peace again, the silence it brings, the pain it stops in my head and my heart. I need that cure. Its the only thing that works.

I'm not suicidal, i just want to bleed it all out. the rush, the sting, the pain. That lovely lovely addictive pain that says "Hello you idiot, your still alive? How does it feel, to still be here causing hell ?"

i've lost patience with myself. I've gone nowhere, of all the thigns, i've gone backwards. I'm $hit, I dont deserve to have anything i have.